DEAR Crabby,

I like to bite my fingernails and chew the tips of my fingers. My friends are getting creeped-out and calling me a 'cannibal'. Am I doing something wrong?
     Flesh-eater in Framingham

Dear Fleshy,

No. In these times of declining natural resources and heightened ecological awareness, you are to be commended for your practice of recycling.

DEAR Crabby,

I live under children's beds and scare them during the night. Lately, I'm beginning to feel that this may not be the most socially aware behavior. Am I a monster?
     Bogeyman in Burlington

Dear Bogey,

Absolutely not. You are performing an important function. By scaring children and keeping them awake, so they do poorly on the MCAS the next day, you are helping the process of Natural Selection, which keeps our species strong.

Dear Crabby,

I am thinking of starting a new kind of school, where there are very few rules and the students determine what they study. Am I on to something or what?
     Daniel in Dedham

Dear Danny,

You're not on TO something, you're ON something. Give up the drugs, and get with the program, you child abuser!